Facing My Limitations

We're only human.

Mar 05, 2023

For the past few weeks, I’ve been agonizing about an article I have to write for a local magazine. Correction. I get to. But this time, my social anxiety around this article kicked into high gear to the point I felt paralyzed about it.

I think part of it was that I was given very loose reins on what it would be about and who I would interview. Usually when I take assignments, the topic is very clear, and the people I will interview have already been lined up. It’s a “warm” assignment, in that everyone is already prepared for this and I just need to gather information and write it.

This time? I was told to write a 1,000 word article on tattoos, loosely on trends among women, and I had to find people to talk to.

There are not 1,000 words to write on this.

At least, that’s the conclusion I came to when I first got serious about writing the article. Luckily I was given a lot of lead time to turn in this assignment, and I used most of it to procrastinate as I ruminated on how I wasn’t qualified to write this, stressed about talking strangers into agreeing to an interview, and how my squirrel brain was going to capture their interview and spin it into an article.

Nevermind that I have interviewed many people for articles. Nevermind that I have numerous tattoos, so I know some of the things I wanted to know when I first got a tattoo. Nevermind that any tattoo artist would love to share their insight because it helps shine a spotlight on their business….

Regardless, it was the interviews that were holding me up. Usually I do phone interviews so I can record them, then turn them into written transcripts. This time, I couldn’t even do that because it meant I had to talk to people.

I finally recognized I had reached a hard limit, and I needed to honor it. While it can be a growing experience to face your fears, especially “trivial” ones like talking on a phone, there is also strength in submission. For whatever reason, I could not do a phone interview. But I could do an email interview.

So, pushing through my feelings of inadequacy, I wrote up a nine question interview and sent it out to five local tattoo artists.

Let me tell you, I got back five enthusiastic responses, beautiful answers to each question, and a deep admiration for the work of these local artists. And because of that, I wrote 1500+ words to an article I’m proud of (and also need to cut majorly before I turn in).

I hesitated to conduct an email interview because it felt like cheating. Plus, it leaves out the opportunity for natural conversation where unplanned topics may pop up. However, it ended up being the perfect solution.

I am in a season of recognizing my limitations. It is not “cheating” to take an easier path to get to a specific destination if that path is what helps propel you forward.

Unless you’re in a race on a specific course. Don’t cheat. Stay on track.

But for everyone else, the easier path is still a path.

PMDD

Warning: I’m about to get very personal about the changes in an aging woman’s body. While I think everyone, regardless of gender, should become educated in women’s anatomy and body changes, if this is something you’re not comfortable reading, feel free to move to skip this section.

This past month, I finally came to terms that something has been wrong inside me. I’ve known for a while, but this month, I pushed past my aversion to ask for help and I contacted my doctor. I figured perimenopause was to blame, and it’s true that I’m at the right age and have been experiencing a shift in my body for the past few years. But when I described the deep darkness I feel in the last two weeks of my cycle, she had another prognosis for me.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, also known as PMDD.

Let’s get sciencey.

Most people have heard of PMS. PMDD is a very severe form of this. In the latter part of one’s cycle, PMDD can include feelings of overwhelm, anxiety or panic attacks, depression and suicidal thoughts, low energy, difficulty concentrating, mood swings, decreased (or non-existent) libido…among other things.

It’s me. Hi.

There aren’t concrete conclusions on what causes PMDD, but one possibility is a decreasing level of estrogen and progesterone hormones between ovulation and menstruation. This seems to be in line with what my body is experiencing

The doctor denied my request for hormone therapy, since my cycle is still regular, but gave me three options to help tackle PMDD.

Birth control pills
IUD
Antidepressants

I quickly ruled out antidepressants, since I am fine two weeks out of the month. And I was not keen on getting an IUD because I’ve had one, and it was not a fun experience upon entry.

So, birth control.

I was also nervous about birth control, though. The last time I’d been on it, I was in my 20s, and it made me feel crazy. I’d been fine in my teens, but in my 20s, it just messed with my mood completely and I felt out of control.

“Try it, and if it doesn’t work for you, you can always stop,” the doctor said, which suddenly simplified it.

I could always just stop.

And so I started. I didn’t wait for my next cycle, or even the next Sunday. The day I got the pills was the first day I started taking them.

A note about these birth control pills (in case you are experiencing these symptoms and are curious). There is a very special form of birth control that combats PMDD, and that’s one that has ethinyl estradiol and drospirene. The only FDA-approved form of birth control with these properties is Yaz.

The first day of my pill pack happened to be the end of ovulation, and usually the start of my PMDD symptoms. I am now in week three of this pack, and I have not experienced the usual darkness I feel at this time. Even better, I’ve noticed a definite shift in my focus, I have had an easier time keeping my health goals, I have more energy, and I have a more positive outlook on life. Bonus: my libido has not plummeted like usual.

I feel like ME again.

You’re Doing a Good Job

This morning, my cousin posted a photo of a card her boss gave to her, recognizing she was doing a good job. My cousin has had to make some serious life changes in an effort to bounce back from some hard choices she’s made, and I know how hard she’s been working at this.

Seeing her post about it, I was brought back to a time when I needed to hear these words desperately.

I was working at the newspaper, and we were going through some serious newsroom changes that affected my job dramatically. Things that I once enjoyed doing were traded for tasks I was not familiar with but had to learn in a hurry. I was entered into a fast-paced work culture where I always felt behind and could never, ever get fast enough.

At this time, I was volunteering at a summer camp, and I took a week off work so I could be one of the adult chaperones. I can’t even tell you how hard it was to detach from work. If I wasn’t thinking about all the things I wasn’t doing there, I was dreading the moment I had to leave nature and come back. I could not relax or even enjoy the week away because my mind was going a million miles a minute.

And out of the blue, one of the chaperones turned to me and said, “Crissi, you’re doing a good job.”

At that moment, I knew he was talking about my job, even though he had no clue what I was doing for work, or even how hard I was struggling. And I asked him to clarify.

“Your work. I know you’re working hard. You’re doing a good job.”

I’m crying now just thinking about that day, and those words I so desperately needed to hear. And I’m telling you this now because we all need to hear these words. We all need to know that our efforts mean something and are noticed.

So, if no one has told you this lately, allow me.

YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB.

I know how much effort you are putting into your work, whether it’s your career, raising kids, cleaning house, or just finding the strength to get up and face the day. Your efforts matter. They are making a difference, even if it seems they aren’t. Sometimes the results just take time to show up.

So keep going. And thank you so much for what you are doing. You are doing a phenomenal job.

Now, go please tell someone else they are doing a good job. Let’s spread joy, all right?

I love you all!

What I’m writing

On March 15, I will celebrate 10 years as a published author! I have a few things up my sleeve to celebrate, including a blog post I recently wrote with 25 things you probably don't know about me as an author. It’s a long one, but I promise you, it’s filled with some good tidbits about my journey as an author over the past 10 years.

Here’s one of the 25 things:

What advice would you give to a writer working on their first book?

First, take a class on writing. Take several classes. And then take what worked for you in those classes and throw away the rest. I don’t believe creative writing courses provide everything you need to know about writing, but I do believe they offer a great baseline and an introduction to receiving critique about your writing. Second, read. A lot. Read all the time. Read good books. Read bad books. Read books inside and outside your genre. And as you read, pay attention to the things that make you lean forward, and the things that don’t. I have heard some writers say they don’t read because they’re afraid of copying someone else’s work. That’s stupid. If you’re going to write books, you have to understand the art of storytelling. How can you understand storytelling if you don’t read books?

Read all 25 things about me as an author here.

What I’m reading:

Thanks to the suggestion of a friend (Hi Gina!), I’m reading Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert, and holy hell if it’s not speaking to me. It starts out talking about fear that EVERY writer goes through (not just me, who knew?), imposter syndrome, the call of the writing idea…. And I am riveted. If you identify as a creative person (or want to), this book is a must-read.

I am also reading The Measure, by Nikki Erlick, which was my book club’s pick this month. It’s about how the world reacts after receiving a box that contains a string that is the length of each person’s life, and it is fascinating.

It is also similar in many ways to my book, Numbered, which tells about a future where everyone knows the date of their death. It got me excited because there’s a market for these kinds of books, and I’m on trend (even if no one has heard of Numbered, but let’s just ignore that)..

What I’m listening to:

Two things.

First is this Spotify playlist Stay in Bed, which has been on repeat for the past few days and I cannot get enough of it.

Second is the album, “How Long Do You Think It's Gonna Last?” by Big Red Machine – which is a band made up of Aaron Dessner of The Nationals and my music boyfriend Justin Vernon of Bon Iver. I listened to this album on repeat when it came out last year, and on Saturday, I picked it up again. As soon as it started playing, on repeat it went. And I can’t tell you how happy this album is making me again.

What I’m obsessed with:

You guys, just life. It feels so good to come out of the darkness, and the difference makes it so apparent how low I felt before. It’s like coming out of a long, dark, cold winter and waking up to a full bloom of spring.

(Photo of me with my kids and a friend and our prize for placing third in trivia. Aka family night.)

Scribbling with Crissi

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